Don't know what to think

Too much thing's to think about...i gotta find a new place to stay and i gotta get all my thing's in my head sorted out.It's hard to do...right when i think thing's are going my way something comes along and knock's me back down,i paid so much of my bill's and i still need to save up alot of money.Our landlord sold our house to people from alberta and they gave us a 30 day notice to move out,i've been trying to get back on my feet for what seem's like forever...and now i gotta deal with this bullshit.I want to fight it...but i've been fighting everything for way too long and i can't seem to win any fight's anymore...i'm just sick of fighting with people.I want to just relax and enjoy life for once,i hate it when thing's get good then turn against me.So i guess it's just going to be me and my brother that'll move out together,atleast i found one of the best roomates you can find.Me and him will go room and board with some random people untill we save up more money and find some roomates that we will know and find a better house,and i think i'll just keep on saving up my money so i can take some time off and then find out what kind of trade i really want to take then get my band to pay for it and pay for my living cost's.I really want to get some kind of trade,i just don't know what i want to do yet.I can't wait to move out with my brother...we're going to chip in to buy a car and we'll show people that we can do better than them.I would love to stay here for a little while longer so i can enjoy time with my family and friend's but i kinda doubt that will happen,all i can do is work and worry about finding a new place to stay.

[ H3KT3R ]

Hannah

Hannah hannah hannah...i don't know what to do about her,i tried everything to get you back as a friend.But i guess i'm not good enough for her...i asked you to go see Batman 2 on july 18th and you can't even set aside one day just for me.I think i won't even bother chasing you anymore...i would still be there for her....but i'm done sending e-mail's and stuff like that.I don't go around looking for young girl's like her...but they just find me.I thought she was perfect,she liked videogames and staying awake all night and drinked energy drink's...she was my vampire queen.But seem's like another girl i've met is just like her...she gives me a hug everytime i see her and tell's me we should hang out sometime and play some videogame's...i just ignored her because i alway's hope that me and hannah would be hanging out again someday.I've waited for hannah for a month and a half and all she can tell me is "soon" or "maybe" i can't live like that,i'm just going to ask that other girl if she want's to come and chill out and see what happen's from there.It's weird that my life is going so good and i still feel kinda shitty,and it's because i can't stop thinking about hannah.I've paid 800$ of my bill's in 2 week's and lost alot of fat and started to enjoy work again and i quit taking T3's again...but i still feel down when i start thinking abaout her.But like i said...i'm not going to even try talking with her again...she can send me an e-mail for once.All i can do is keep on working out and keep on making money and better myself even more...and i'm back to my old confident self again.

[ H3KT3R ]

Random thing's

I feel great again...never felt like this for a long time,now i can't let anything take me down again.I also lost 20lbs in the last 2 month's i think it's because i cut down on eating junk food and i started working out now.I lost some of my belly fat and my arm's are starting to look bigger now,and i think in about a month i'll look alot better.And i also started to finally get all my bill's paid off and i know i'll be out of debt by next month then i can move out of here and start a new life,i just want to be in a place where i can have peace and quite and be all by myself.I also quit being so cocky and let my ego go,i did that so i could get along with everybody.And work is going great...so far i never argued with anybody,and i like being the guy that doesn't know everything.It feel's like i've rebuilt myself from nothing...last month when hannah left me it felt like she took my heart and confidence and left me to die.That was the worst i've felt in a long long time and i don't even know how i still got up and looked for work and function like a normal person...i never thought anybody could strip me of my ego and confidence and almost break me.But she did...she meant that much to me.I do miss her and would like to be there for her but i want to start a better life for myself in a couple of month's and when i do start over again i don't know if i want to let anybody from my past into my new life.In the next 2 month's i want to be on my own and let all the thing's that bring me down go...i don't want to be on the computer all night like i do now and i just want to stick to myself.If hannah want's to be in my life i hope she talk's to me soon,i'm done trying to get in touch with her...i said i'm sorry and i did everything that i could do to prove it to her.If she is mad at me for deleting all of her wall post's and messages,it's only because i don't like looking at thing's that remind me of better time's...it just hurt's when i look at the past when time's were better.The next 2 month's should be interesting tho

[ H3KT3R ]

Tough times

Well it's been almost a month since i've seen hannah in person,she's only talked with me thru facebook and she say's she's doing fine.But i still feel like shit about it,i'm just the kinda guy that would do everything he can do to make it right again if i was the one that messed something up.If i messed up someone's life or said something that i shouldn't have,i alway's go back and try to make thing's right...and when i do make thing's right i feel better about it then i move on.I tried to say and do everthing i can do to make thing's right between me and hannah...but i don't think anything is good enough for her,and it bring's me down because i know there is something i can do about this but i don't know what it is yet.With most people i can just say "whatever...i tried" and walk away from it,but i do not want to just walk away from her.I've known her since we were little kid's and i want to make sure she's okay,if she tell's me face to face that she's fine and to get on with my life i'll do it.I've waited for what seem's like forever for an sign...i don't know how much longer i should wait...but i told her i'd be here forever for her.

Feeling good...at a cost

I love going to work again,i get along with all of my co-workers.My mom came back from william's lake and i know i can get all of my bill's paid off soon.My brother bought grand theft auto 4 and one of my co-workers is going to lend me her bike to get to work and back untill i get back on my feet.And i learned to get rid of my ego...i don't think of myself as the greatest anymore,i kinda feel like the hector of old now.There is only one thing that get's me down now...and that's what hannah think's of me...she think's i'm the biggest jerk in the world and say's i'm not trust worthy.That's been eating at me since she said that...i know i'm not a bad guy and that i'm one of the most trust worthy people you'll ever meet...i don't care what anybody think's of me...but when somebody like her say's that...i think it might be true.I don't know how to prove it to her when she doesn't let me,i've done all i can do and said all the thing's i should say but nothing is good enough for her.I know she's not a bad person and i know i'm not a bad person..i think it's weird that we can't get along anymore.And i think the only way i'm feeling good right now is because i started taking t3's again...it's not because of one thing in my life...it's because of all the thing's that are going wrong just started getting to me.I hope i can get off of them soon...but i guess i'll have to see what happens in the next lil bit

Did we make a mistake?

It's too hard to just forget about a girl like hannah once you've been with her,to be honest...it wasn't my plan to even ask her out or even show any interest in her.I remember when she sent me an e-mail one day asking how i was doing,i said life was great.I just started a new job at the native gas station and was starting to pay off my bill's,so i asked how she was doing.She said she was having a hard time and i said she can come over anytime and visit me or my mom or my sister's,so she came over to visit me.When i first seen her i thought "this will be kinda weird to hang out with a girl so young" but she was so nice to chill with and we became great friend's.I knew she was going thru a hard time so i just wanted to be there for her,and after awhile she was stuck in my head.Everytime she came over i started liking her more and more,i thought "this girl is the kinda girl i want to be with".So one day i asked her out,and thing's just got so much better...i got more confident and wanted to do so much.But one day i just said something stupid and she never wanted anything to do with me ever again,i went from feeling great to feeling like i just wanted to lay down and die.If i could go back in time and change thing's for the better i would...but i can't.I never swore at her or yelled at her...the only thing i'm really guilty of is wanting to be with her so much.I told her i was sorry...and i never say sorry to anybody.I guess all i can do now is just try to get on with my life...but if she ever need's me for anything i'll be here for her.

Don't do this at home...i'm a pro at it

Almost 2 week's since i had a normal day,in those 2 week's i lost the 2 greatest ladies in my life.My mom is in william's lake and hannah is not even talking to me anymore,i still can't believe i could even get out and kinda still be normal.And my bill's are still so high and i'll be working for nothing for the next 2 month's,but i still like going to work...i find that weird.And our car broke down and i washed my T4's in the wash...so i can't do my taxes now.And i can't even get a good sleep now day's...i just walk around and act like i'm okay.The only thing's that are getting me thru this hard time is lot's of energy drink's and i'm smoking like crazy now and sleeping pill's...and t3's.I never wanted to touch t3's again...but in times like this it's the only thing that will help.I tried my hardest to do all the right thing's in the last 2 week's...but thing's just don't want to work out.Now all i can do is drink an energy drink and spark a smoke and take a t3 and act like i'm the greatest...atleast it get's me thru the day.

I am not who i used to be

There is a girl i knew since we were kid's,
we grew up together

she is the kinda girl that makes you want
to be all that you can

i feel like my old self again when i'm with her

but then i let myself turn into what i became
a couple of year's ago

a couple of year's ago i was liked and respected

because i was a great worker and a better friend

but then i got robbed at the gas station i worked
at,it felt like someone just stole a part of me

i was mad at the world because i looked after
people,i gave change to the homeless and helped
people that i didn't even know

and when i got robbed it felt like the world
let me down

i was a great worker for the gas station,but i
find out that my favorite boss is selling the store

it felt like everybody and everything just left me

after all that i didn't feel like working or couldn't
trust people

i'm not lazy,i like to work

i don't hate people,i want to fit in

but it seem's like i just can't do it

i felt like this for the longest time,untill i met
Hannah again

she makes me feel alive again,she makes me
want to change all my stupid way's and be a
better person

then i get mad at her because she want's to
go see some old roommate's

now she hate's me

if i could do thing's different,i would

i just was looking foward to hanging out
with her so much

that's all i look foward to...all week

i never called her any names or yelled
at her...i wouldn't do that to her

and now year's of friendship is over because
of this?

when i see other couples call each other
names and cheat on each other and still
talk with each other

it just hurt's so much,because there are
far worse people in this world and they
even get a second chance

and i don't

all i want is her,and i'll be normal again